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Shitsky Flanksteak
Shitsky Flanksteak was a general in the Big-Ass Army of the Republic who instituted major reforms to the Zaloriis Imperial Military Academy. Military Career Shitsky had enlisted in the Republic military after dropping out of the 3rd grade. His youth and lack of education initially held him back, but he proved to be worhty soldier, and he slowly moved up until he reached the rank of general. He served in many battles and was known for his tough attitude, and ability to kill people and brush his teeth at the same time. Around this time, the Republic was involved in some tense negotiations with some Womprats on that would not stop stealing people's picnic baskets. Eventually the troops were called in. Despite his objections, Shitsky was ordered to hold his position at the rear of the line and await further orders. The orders never came, as the Womprats routed the BAR troops. Shitsky took charge of the army and tried to retreat to higher ground, but the forces were overwhelmed, and he was forced to sign a peace treaty with the Womprats that efectively gave them control of most of the planet. ZIMA The republic was humiliated. A Senate investigation showed that it was the inexperience of brand new officers from ZIMA that directly led to the BAR disgrace and that there was actually no military training going on at ZIMA. Since Shitsky had proven himself the most capable officer in the battle, he was recommended to take control of the school. Opponents pointed out that he was illiterate, but even they had to admit that his award-winning beard more than qualified him for the job. In 1835, Flanksteak took control and immediately instituted a difficult and demanding military training program based on his own experiences in the field. He brought many officers from the BAR in as instructors, since they were eager to distance themselves from the failing military. Flanksteak believed in thorough hands-on training with weapons and equipment, giving his cadets plenty of opportunites to blow stuff up. Graduates showed much stronger combat abilities, and the BAR was able to regain some of its lost respect. Reforms In order to respond to accusations that he was an uneducated bumpkin, Flanksteak implemented a rigorous academic program focusing on cool stuff like engineering and military history, but also including some fruity liberal arts stuff. This academic focus made the school more difficult, and forced many of the stupider cadets to complain, furrowing their brows in a vain attempt to understand the situation. He also re-organzed the school's athletics program, keeping it important, but makeing it part of his 3-pronged curriculum, which he cleverly called "The 3-Pronged Curriculum". Then, he created the Honor Code, which stated "A cadet will not lie, cheat, or steal, nor tolerate those who do, unless there's something sexy involved." Finally, he organized the cadet student body into a quasi-military structure, giving all the cadets their own in-school ranks and other cool stuff. Underclassmen were routinely beaten senseless by upperclassmen, and everyone enjoyed this. While these reforms seemed popular, applications dried up and many cadets failed to graduate because it was too damned hard. Flanksteak was offered a generous retirement package, and then executed, as tradtion mandated. He received a generous tribute at the following year's Facial Hair Awards. Category:Republic Category:No-Names Category:Facial Hair Award Nominees Category:Simpsons References